Here recently I have been in this state of stress. It isn't a bad thing, but it has began to hit me that I am growing up, I am beginning to become an adult, and it is hard to realize that all my life I have been rushing around trying to be older, trying to be wiser, trying to fit in, and I have ran and ran and ran, and even though I have taken moments to sight see, not much time was taken to slow down and understand that I don't need to rush so much. But here recently it is like the brakes are broken, and all I want to do is just stop...but despite my wishes, I cannot be Peter Pan, and I have to grow up now.
Recently I have not been the only one to realize that I am growing up, I have not been the only one to realize that I am leaving. So to say the least, all of the people who love me and who I love, want to spend time with me. I am currently being pulled in 300 different directions, by everyone that I love. It has been really really harsh too. It's been overwhelming to look at the calender and see that it is full up until the day I leave, it is hard to see the people that I love having to deal with how little time I have to give them, it's been like a rush of chaos. To be completely honest it has been stressing me out MAJOR!!!! I am kinda stuck between the state of wanting to pull my hair out, and the state of just sitting and crying.
I hate to say, but even though I am going full fledge into what God wants, I feel myself start to get tired, and get worn out, and forget to spend the time with him that I want to, and that more than anything else is bothering me. It is like I am on a call with God and I keep transferring over to another call, or a text, and even though I am still walking and talking with God, I am missing some of what I need to be getting because I keep having to leave for a few seconds.
But today, God caught me off guard, he caught me in the middle of my chaos, and showed me that he is still God and that he still has me in his hands, even though I feel like i'm going so fast, and thinking that maybe there is a possibility that I am just hearing him wrong.today, as I was getting ready for my friends, Emily and Nikki, to come over, and I was cleaning my room, I found something I have not seen in about 4 years...I was probably an 8th grader, or a freshman the last time I saw this (I do not have the date...so i'm figuring thats around when I saw it last)...it was this orange folder, nothing special, but on the top of it in black was my handwriting which read, my spiritual goals...I was astonished that I had found this, freaked me out actually...so much that I could not open it immediately, I think it was the fear of if I had met those goals...finally I swallowed hard, and I opened it.
I read each of these, and I realized what God had accomplished through me in the past few years, about 4/5ths of those goals have been met...It was a rush of emotion, it was crazy to think of the things that I had asked God to do.
The funny thing is, back then I was set on going to China, I wanted to be a missionary there, and as I have grown older, I have realized that God wants me to go into worship and youth ministry...EVERYTHING in that book is filled with things about youth, and worship...and that wasn't even what I wanted to do...that wasn't what I thought my calling was, but God knew as I typed those papers, God knew...That astonishes me...I could not believe some of the things that I had said...i'll tell you a few of them that have been answered (actually as they were written)
-First and most importantly to have what God wants for me and not to rely on myself (Matthew 6:33)
-I Want to experience the limits and boundaries lifted off my worship (theres more to this but I don't want to type it all)
-I want to be able to play the guitar and flow
the one that stood out the most to me though was this
-I want to see God's Revolution take place, see the youth jump out and praise God like never before
This is what made me realize, that God is going to do amazing things. It made me realize that I am making the right decision, it made me realize that I am ok. and Even though the stress is overwhelming, look at what he did in four years when I was just a kid and I didn't know what I wanted in life. What is he going to do when I am running after what he wants me to do.
Thats pretty much all I have to say for tonight. Love Ya Mean It!
-Hannah
Luke 7:8-9-- For I also am a man placed under authority, having soliders placed under me and I say to one "go" and he goes and to another "come" and he comes and to my servant "do this" and he does it. when Jesus heard these things He marveled at him and turned around and said to the crowd that followed Him, "I say to you I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!"